Day 58

I had the craziest dream last night. I won’t bore you with details except that I still feel like I should confess to my nutritionist that I ate donuts. Lots and lots of donuts. The dream was so real! I assure you, however, that I didn’t eat any donuts. 
I drove to Joplin this morning. The Joplin Memorial Marathon is tomorrow and my sister and myself are registered for the 5k. Our lives changed 5 years ago on May 22nd so what better way to honor the memories than by running? Ok, there are better ways, but we couldn’t pass up the chance to be ‘tORRnados’ and tear up the streets! I’m still at a 18:30 average for my mile so I’ll be cutting it way close on the 60 minute time limit. But God! I will finish in time! 

I’ve been a little discouraged the past few weeks because of my body. I can handle the aches in my knee and ankle, but the pain in my back is distracting, I don’t want to aggravate it with exercise, it makes me angry, sleepless, and unpleasant to be around. I thought it was being hungry all the time that was making me pissy, but I really think it’s pain. My lower back has been catching again; even at a higher weight it didn’t seem to bother me as long as I wasn’t exercising. And, my sciatic nerve has been shouting for awhile, too. God told me over 4 years ago that by losing weight, the pain would go away, now I’m questioning ‘when’? It makes me want to give up, eat everything I want, be super duper fat, and die young like my mom so I don’t have to be in pain. My mental state has been so bad recently that I just want to scream the F word over and over and over and over then break things and scream some more. Maybe even cry. I think we talked in class this week about how our physical state transfers so easy to our mental state and we need to be aware so it doesn’t turn into depression. Well, I need a good nights sleep and some Advil… And a donut. 

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