Day 145

I feel like I’m living a lie. Scratch that. I AM living a lie. As I walk around and show off a 50lb weight loss I am secretly eating anything I want in ridiculous quantities. Don’t get me wrong when I say ‘showing off’ – it’s difficult for people not to notice at this point – but I’ve stopped being proud of what I accomplished and don’t want to talk about it. 20 weeks ago I beat myself up for not sticking to 3 one cup veggie servings a day, today I’m beating myself up for consuming 5,000+ calories in 12 hours. With tears streaming down my face, I’m embarrassed and ashamed but I don’t know how the get back to eating right. 
Since I officially hit the 50lb mark on day 140; I’ve been eating non-stop. I’m buying junk at the gas station, going thru multiple drive-thrus, not caring at all what I’m eating. Right now I’m dipping French fries in white gravy! 

I go to bed determined to make tomorrow a better day only to wake up knowing either a) there are leftovers that need to be eaten or b) I’m having lunch w friends later and know I’ll eat bad so why not just start off bad? 

I guess I could blame PMS since I’m off-the-charts angry, too. However, I’ll be an adult and blame myself for making poor choices. Then the negative self talk picks back up where it left off… I’m a piece of crap, my life sucks, I feel like a big fat cow, I can’t believe the hole I’ve dig for myself, everyone thinks I’m a loser, everyone treats me like crap so I must be crap… I could go on and on. How do I break the cycle when I can’t think anything positive, much less say it? 

I’ve thought for months about asking for help. Finding someone to talk to who is outside my social circles who will be blunt and honest (I can’t handle people who say ‘it’s ok’ because then I feel like they want me to fail along with them).  


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