It’s actually after midnight as I write this, and it was a long day. My entire schedule was thrown off because I made a hair appointment during my normal gym time. Anyway, after the 2 hour, yes 2 hour, hair appointment, I went to see my therapist.
I really enjoy our visits. I feel like I’m always being challenged to explore change even when I don’t think I’ve made any progress and remain hopeless that anything will ever change. It is, however, extremely liberating to express exactly how I feel and what I’m thinking to someone without fear of rejection. After a long rant that involved a few choice cuss words, I came to a realization about where I am. I feel like I’m in a catch-22 situation with God and food. I can’t overcome food addiction until I am able to accept who He says I am but I can’t accept who He says I am until I’ve overcome food addiction. It sounds strange now that I’ve written it, but let me try to make it make sense. If I am who He says I am then why am I struggling with food (and depression)? It’s obvious that I’m not an overcomer who is able to resist temptation. If we are all these things He says we are then why is life so darn crappy? Free will and lack of self control. Why is being a victorious Jesus follower impossible? Why did God think free will was a good idea? I am tired of fighting.
Why do babies die? Why does weather kill people? You can’t attribute that to free will. God can’t be surprised so He already knows what’s going to happen and doesn’t stop it.
I have to thank God all the time for keeping my heart just soft enough that I don’t turn from him. I believe whole heartedly that I am saved and will spend eternity in Heaven, I just have so many questions I’d like answered along the way.