Day 222

This is in the break room at work. 

I meant to blog over the weekend, but I had a pretty serious binge, felt terrible about it, and decided to hide. But here I am, back to make amends with myself. 

It all started Friday night after work. I’m going to be 100% real and share exactly what I sent Hagos: I’m sitting in the car bawling after crying the whole drive home from work. I want so bad to not want peanut butter. It’s all I can think about. I even went to Walmart and looked at it but didn’t buy it. Now I’m made I got home without it and an contemplating stealing it from ALUE’s pantry. It’s ok if I eat it with apples, right? If I could have one spoon, sure, but I want the whole jar. I deserve it because I covered a shift at work, have to work tomorrow, spent my lunch break volunteering at church, and it’s cold outside. I HATE that I obsess and try to justify eating. I should have just eaten those 8 cupcakes at work; at least I could feel guilt and buy junk to binge all weekend instead of this torment. I HATE salad A LOT!!! Jesus, please fix me. I don’t even want to hit send because you’ve heard it all before and nothing has changed. I just want to be fixed.

Hagos: First of all, don’t ever hesitate to hit send. You may think I’ve “heard it all before” but this is a PROCESS and I see your PROGRESS!!!! And remember that Jesus Himself healed through process at times. Sometimes it’s not a matter of being “fixed” but of being “faithful”. DON’T. GIVE. UP!!!! I love you more than you know and I’m so, so proud of you.

So, I felt better after that when I had time to calm down. And I ate 3 100 calorie skinny pops and a big salad. Problem still not solved but it was a success. 

Saturday started off great. I had a banana about 1 and met a friend for lunch at 230 and ate ravioli and bread. That’s when things could have gone either way. I could have ‘been good’ but I wasn’t, but I kind of tried. I got 2 pork steaks and mashed taters, 4 mini bags of chips, and God knows what else from food giant. Like I said, it could have been worse. Oh… I forgot about the Corn Nuts and cheddar biscuits (1600 calorie because you know I ate them all). 

Sunday… I hadn’t eaten at McDonalds in 14+ months. Why did I do it? No one will know if I pay cash. Well, I’m here to say that I ate it (1200) and the Diet Coke was the best part. I stopped at Walmart on my way home and bought $20 in junk. Pizza (600), cinnamon rolls (2000), candy bars (600), fried pie (500), brownie (150), and ??? 

I felt so sick. Really really sick. But I kept eating. I even had a bowl of ham and beans with tortilla chips. 

What happens every single time I binge. ‘This is it, enjoy it, it’s the last time.’ But it never is. 

Monday. I should have discarded left over binge food but I didn’t. So I ate an 8oz bag of candied cashews that tasted gross but I spent money on them so I ate them. And the ham and beans. And tortilla chips. I am extremely bloated. 

I’m so bloated that I can’t even suck it in! 

After the cookies I ate, i decided that I’d go to Walmart on the Way home and get some junk food. Just the thought of doing it made me feel better. I sat down and figured up today’s calories. 1600 so far. Not too too bad, low enough to save the day. So, we’ll see what I decide: home to have ham and beans or Walmart for junk. 

Update: I stopped at Rhodes and got peanut butter snack crackers (300) and mini cinnamon rolls (400). 

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